Monday, January 19, 2015

Into the woods, out with the questions

Rachel and I saw "Into the Woods" over the weekend. I knew sort of what to expect, as I'm familiar with fairy tales and I'd heard about the controversy on the radio.

Yes, controversy. From a Disney movie. That's about Cinderella.

Actually, Cinderella is controversial. More on that later.

Anyway, I left the theater with some questions. I'm hoping if I list them here, some of you can help me out.

Why was Mr. Wolf's esophagus so long and dry? Is it true Johnny Depp is like Narnia, bigger inside than he appears from the outside?

What was Chris Pine thinking?

I did have to view a number of images of Chris Pine for this post, so, you know, good things came from it. He looks much better in most pictures. And I assume his chest is not as smooth.
Easily the best part of the movie is when Chris Pine and his princely brother sing about who's the bigger douche in more pain because his woman isn't at his constant beck and call.

Why did no one remember that just a few minutes before the baker's wife died, the witch had nonchalantly humblebragged that she could raise the dead? And then done it?

Did the witch lose her power when she got her beauty back?

What kind of movie sends the message that the consequence for infidelity if you're female, and sort of taken advantage of, is immediate death, while the consequence for infidelity if you're male is getting dumped by a woman you openly admit you're not actually in love with?

Why, after the first unsuccessful mutilation, did no one question the wisdom of doing it again?

Did the prince really think that because the shoe "fit" the first stepsister, that the girl who ran away turned from a slim brunette into a bleach blonde tramp? For that matter, why didn't he make the women try on the shoe in front of him?

Did Rapunzel serve any purpose other than providing corn-yellow hair (shout out to Tina Fey!), which is ultimately discarded in favor of actual corn hair (which in my house we call corn silk so I don't have to think about my vegetables being hairy)?

How did Jack's mother actually die? She basically was starving for years and lived in a house that didn't keep nature out at all, then she gets pushed down and dies? Does she die of the same thing that Milky White conveniently dies of that causes its victims to just fall over sideways?

How come Jack doesn't get into any trouble for stealing from the giants? And why is that golden egg so light? Is giant gold lightweight?

How did anyone look at this and think "kids movie"? It's got murder, infidelity, theft, inept government officials, more theft, half-cannibalism, veiled pedophilia, more theft and poor eating habits. (Though there is exercise, and the Republicans would be on board with how the film explains pregnancy -- I'm sure they'd prefer witchcraft to sex.)?

Answers, people, please.

No comments:

Post a Comment