Wednesday, March 26, 2014

When the zombies come, where will they go first?

I learned that some sarcastisaurus at Estately wrote a blog about what states are most likely to come out on top of a zombie apocalypse.

Can I just interject for a moment to say: "YES! This is precisely why the Internet was invented. Slow clap for Al Gore."

Now back to your regular programming.

Because this is of great interest to Texas, I wrote about it in my "official" blog. (It's supposed to be about food.) But there were enough extra bits floating out there that I figured I had enough blove to go around.

First, a synopsis: taking into account military personnel, people with guns, obesity, physical activity, knowledge of zombies, paintball and overall survivability, they ranked states. Mississippi will be zombiefied in pretty much no time; Alaska will remain the zombies' last frontier -- and it's not for the obvious reason. Unless the obvious reason you were thinking of had to do with the frontier mentality and their mama bear. I meant the distance. I know this because Hawaii gets wiped out, so apparently zombies can swim. Or they're taking over our airplanes.

Texas, shockingly, does not survive. It's the highest ranked state that falls, so the Lone Star State fought pretty hard to avoid a seventh flag going up (the Zombies Republic of Texas is what I'm thinking). I think we lose because of the lack of people with guns.

When you've wiped away the tears from laughing so hard at what is obviously not true, I will tell you why -- obesity. Lack of physical activity. Not enough triathletes. Every man will be for himself. We have too much barbecue sauce here and the zombies will find tastier ways to eat people.

But there are a couple of other gems. Utah survives for any number of reason: huge numbers of triathletes, marathons, mud runners, mountain climbers, ultra runners, bikers, etc; everyone is prepared for a crisis with foodstuffs, toilet paper and the like (there are a few underground bunkers. I am not kidding.); there are probably about as many guns per capita as Texas (there are probably about as many guns as there are people, but that's another rant); Utahns are surprisingly good at laser tag (not a surprise -- there's little else to do on a date, since you can't go to bars, go to clubs, go dancing or be alone together) and let's face it, even the zombies are going to think "Utah?" in that weird, hesitating tone you use when you realize you just made a seriously questionable (un)life choice.

New Mexico is just a few states behind Alaska. New Mexicans are familiar with zombies (this makes sense, because "Breaking Bad" is in New Mexico, and the trends I've noticed among the seven people I've talked to about both shows is that the same people tend to like both. We like us our outdoor fitness and apparently are into martial arts. (A roundhouse kick to the head may be just as effective as a sawed-off shotgun blast to the head. You never know until you try.) Also, we're used to weird. We've had radiation, aliens, Demi Lovato.

Tennessee has a Zombie Response Unit. I have nothing to add to that, just wanted to note that they do.

1 comment:

  1. be grateful for the zombie response teams they may one day save your life! Do you really want something eatting your brain?