Sunday, December 29, 2013

Sssh, don't tell Mark

Other people's kids are great entertainment. You all remember the Sunbeams, yes? Well, a week with my nephews have guaranteed some real ROFLMAOL moments.

It started on the way home from the airport. Mark and Isaac were following NORAD's Santa tracker and then Mark very seriously informed me that, "When you're bad, you get coal in your stocking, and that's good for West Virginia, because we make coal."

Then, the day after Christmas, Jennifer got a new purse. She emptied out the old one, which was immediately commandeered by her oldest son, who then was immediately assaulted with, "Why don't I have a purse like Mark?" from the younger one. To which his father responded, "Because you're both boys."

We also learned "What Does The Fox Say?" thanks to a book Josh brought and subsequent multiple viewings of the YouTube video.

It's not all fun and games, though. I stood under the mistletoe and Isaac ran away screaming. Later I tried to kiss him and he stuck his foot in my throat. Good times. And that wasn't the worst part of my boy troubles! One night Mark, who really loves questions, asked, "Why don't you want to own kids?"

"Because it's not a good deal," I answered. I mean, you can definitely get a better price on kids around Memorial Day, right?

"Uh-huh," the precocious 8-year-old responded. "All you have to do is pray."

Has he been listening to my bishop?

Then, at dinner at a hibachi grill on Saturday night, I came back from the bathroom to find the cook at the table asking me if I ordered the child's salmon. I did not. I ordered sushi. He was unimpressed. Then he looked at Josh sitting next to me and gestured at the two of us, asking "are you two ...? We were confused, so he clarified by asking if we were together.

Yes, my 22-year-old brother and I were just asked if we were a couple. You'd think that would be the worst of it, right?

Wrong. In the van going home, Mark asked if I had health insurance. I said no. He, like a good little Obamacare disciple, told me I needed health insurance because it was very important. Then he asked Josh if he had insurance. Josh said yes, because of Mom, but then said he had a backup plan -- if he needed health insurance he was going to marry someone with health insurance. (Ahhhhh, so romantic!) Mark thinks for a second and then goes, "Uncle Josh can marry Aunt Heidi!"

What is in the water in West Virginia?

Finally, have you heard of Minecraft? It's a game that I don't understand the point of at all, but the nevvies have stopped fighting with each other in real life and started fighting in Minecraft. They created a commune complete with animals (cowies, sheepies and chickies, according to the 5-year-old -- how cute are kids when they're not crying, whining, asking for something or listening to YouTube videos on repeat?) and Mark's wooden house that I told Isaac to burn down after Mark burned Isaac's. (Is that bad parenting? It seemed like the appropriate come-uppance to me.)

Anyway, this morning I'm lying in bed and Isaac is playing next to me and Mark is roaming around the downstairs playing. They're in a bit of a crisis because their chickies are escaping. Seriously, these blocky gray chickens are roaming the gold-studded countryside, escaping, and both children are shrieking about this. Apparently they're pecking holes in the wall and running away. It's really funny. I had no idea computer programmers had the kind of sense of humor that they would make rebellious chickens that peck their way out of a golden house.

Until I look over at the cherubic 5-year-old face next to me, which is giggling, right before its owner knocks a hole in his brother's wall.

"Are you letting the chickens escape?" I whispered.

"Yes, but don't tell Mark," he whispered back.

He then went back to sabotaging his brother's livestock while continuing to pretend that he was stressed out about the chickies escaping too.

I have never loved that kid more.

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