* Not recommended for people who were not one of the special people invited to Mitt Romney's presidential announcement in Massachusetts in 2007.
Today in Sunday School a guy right behind me raised his hand (I assume, anyway, because he started talking) and asked the teacher to please read additional verses because he was missing a very important part of the church leadership. The teacher said yes, it was, but we weren't talking about general church leadership today, we were talking about what happened after Joseph Smith was murdered and how leadership transferred after his death.
So, no big deal, right? Sure. But it didn't stop there. See, the guy who talked is the same guy who twice has chided people for talking too much. Then last week in Sunday School, he lectured us, for several minutes, on how Joseph Smith was actually killed for political reasons. It really contributed to the Spirit.
And then -- oh, you thought it didn't get better than that? He read my last column and wanted to share some things with me. I failed to take some good advice and went. He said he wanted to know how to make Utah County more welcoming for people like me. Then he went on to say that he has been active in the Republican Party for decades. He's been a delegate. He knows lots of very important people. He and the Mittster are bros. He loves newspapers. He gets three of them. He stands up in church when somebody makes a joke about Democrats in Utah and tells him that's out of order. He has a black friend.
Greg Behrendt has a word for this: conversational masturbation.
Anyway, back to Sunday School. A few minutes later, the teacher asked what would happen if President Monson died today. Answer: the First Presidency would be dissolved and the 14 remaining apostles would then seek revelation on the next prophet, which likely would be the president of the quorum.
I almost cringed. His unctuous voice was now reverberating through my head, he was so loud.
"There are 15 prophets, seers and revelators. All of them are prophets. That's commonly misunderstood."
"That's right," the teacher said. "I'm talking about the prophet, Presi-"
"You're talking about the president of the church," the man who would still count steps on the Sabbath if he could.
What?!? Church hasn't been this combative since one of my mission companions mistakenly corrected my correct pronunciation of "ornery." The teacher agrees and moves on with, "So when the prophet dies" "President!" "president dies, what happens?"
I think somebody whispered to the guy behind, because then I heard in a loud whisper, "We're teaching doctrine. Let's get it right."
Yeah ... except here's the thing. It was right. "The prophet" refers to one person: President Monson. "When the prophet dies" elicits something very specific. "When a prophet dies" elicits something else. What's the jargon worth scaring the Spirit away by tackiness? Hmmmm, probably not.
Dude wasn't done either. Some guy asked a question, the teacher wasn't sure, the guy elaborated somewhat on his question, and while the first guy was still talking -- "Over here! Yo. Yo."
I don't remember his answer to the question. I was too busy writing down "yo yo."
I'm thinking he might be campaigning to be the Sunday School teacher; if he does, I will most definitely go to the marriage preparation class that I'm supposed to start going to next week, because getting lectured every week about marriage seems way less fork-in-the-eye than listening to this guy.