Friday, March 15, 2013

Easy solutions to life's big problems

A number of newspaper readers in this county have a serious and pressing issue that they simply cannot get to go away.

That problem is me.

I, you see, continue to be a liberal bleeding heart thorn in the side of this conservative community. Every week I'm in the newspaper, spouting off my leftist, incorrect and dangerous ideas as if I have the right to have and share opinions with which everyone they know disagrees. It is a travesty, and they frequently contact the newspaper to say that they find my opinions extremely offensive and they no longer want the newspaper if I am in it. They do not want themselves or their families subjected to my subversive ideals.

Fortunately, I have arrived at a solution for these people. It will solve their problem of having to read and be offended by me every Thursday. Are you ready to have your world rocked?

Here it is: If you don't want to read it, TURN THE DAMN PAGE! The offensive material disappears. It's kind of like magic. You get your newspaper without being offended.

I know, I know. It seems simple. But it has become such a pressing issue that I thought I'd point out the win-win.

Other obvious answers to the pressing issues of our day:

1. Don't like what's on TV? Change the channel. Or turn it off.
2. Bothered by the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition in the checkout stand? Turn it around and don't look at it.
3. If you don't want to/don't have time to talk to someone, don't answer the phone.
4. And a little piece of help for yours truly — if you don't like, leave.

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