Tuesday, January 22, 2013

I judge people

We at this fine newspaper occasionally get a visit from a local ... we'll call him an odd bird. He pitches crazy ideas for which he does not have the money and tells us that no one will take him seriously but they should, because he has really great ideas.

His latest idea is about this resort he wants to start on the shores of this great body of water that lays claim to half of Utah County's acreage and the world's population of carp. This resort will have a theme that you may find in the book of Genesis.

Anyway, it's crazy, but whatever. So Monday morning I get an email from Match.com about a man who sent me an email. The guy is listed as 54, so my first thought is to delete it, because, really, dude? But his username caught my attention.  Here's the email:

"You listed that you are a newspaper editor. I must assume that you are with the Daily Herald?? I have compiled about 20 articles or the "Letters to the editor" dept. and will donate them. Something that you may be interested in, is that I have advertised in the Herald my 300-room (biblically themed) resort about a week ago with *****. I am marketing the resort, and hope to bring it here to Utah Co. I also gave copies of my plans to build a causeway (not a bridge) across Utah Lake, and completely renovate the entire lake. I am retired Air Force, writer, pilot, science teacher, inventor (25), park ranger, single, cook, life guard, etc. How's that for bragging?" *
I could not believe it. I've run into some people I know in the online dating world, even a former coworker once, but seriously? Crazy idea dude has now morphed into online dating dude? I don't even know if he wants a story or if he's trying to hit on me. (I do know that I'm not interested in a 54-year-old ... odd bird, so that's good.)

But part of his profile shows up, so I got to learn a lot more about OB. Here are some highlights:
  • He doesn't care for "mind games"
  • He doesn't like dishonesty
  • Or major stupidity, phonies, extreme risk taking or showoffs
  • Or barking dogs. (They're the worst kind!)
He does like anyone who lives in a world of honesty, logic and common sense.

Again — really, dude? I've heard your sales pitch. I've even been on the phone with you. A) You — how do I say this nicely? — struggle a little bit with logic and common sense. B) You are not 54. C) You don't like showoffs — but you bragged. And then bragged about bragging. D) Dogs? Really?

* Some details changed or obscured, because, well, it just seemed mean to do this so openly.

Under also worth a mention:

I got an email from a guy who wants to write. (Online dating: adult pen pals for the modern technologically advanced socially isolating world.) His profile started like this:
*IMPORTANT* I have a past. If you can't accept that, then you need to move along until you find someone that has no past.
That's weird, because I just emerged fully formed from the earth yesterday and have no such thing called "a past."

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