Thursday, November 1, 2012

The new world order

This morning during physical therapy the trainer and I were discussing our theoretical courses of action in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

His plan: Go to a local gun shop, load up on weapons and ammunition, go to a nearby wholesaler (read: food for life) and barricade himself in with capable friends. Let people and non-wussy dogs in as appropriate. If he's not the first to carry out of this idea, plan B is to find a group and use his medical background and overall survivalist competence to get in with them. Wait out/shoot out the zombies, then start rebuilding planet Earth.

My plan: Die. Quickly. Hopefully painlessly. This is true of all apocalyptic events, but especially so of zombies, because dead people coming back to life and coming after me is my deepest fear, and there's a good possibility I will literally — yes, literally, it can happen — die of fright. My plan B, should the initial zombie onslaught not do the trick, is to find a group and ask if I can join them. Given my skills, (what, am I going to flay zombies with my acerbic wit? Convince them to see my side of things? Possibly get them to realize that love, not eating brains, is a better way of life?), my naivete with a sawed-off shotgun and my general need for things like air conditioning, stoves, the Internet and a good night's sleep, that will be enough to convince them to shoot me right there.

By the way, is there any actual evidence that sawed-off shotguns are effective against zombies? Could it be that when the zombies invade, they'll advance against the wake of our (people who survived) fruitless attempts to shoot them? We (people who survived) may have to cut off the zombies' food supply and lay low until they starve to death, and I, for one, have no idea what the nutritional daily allowance of brains a zombie needs to be viable and at what point they'll starve (to death?) What if there's not enough food? Could this become the 21st century version of "Alive?" Ooh, dibs on the movie script!

I would also like to take a moment to point out how philanthropic I am. I'm thinking of other people here. I'm going to die eventually — let's be realistic, I am not a post-apocalyptic survivor — so why waste all those resources prolonging the inevitable? I have a 72-hour kit. I have food storage. (Don't forget to check the freezer for the year's supply of chocolate chips.) My quick and painless demise can help actual survivalists survive. I'll take one for the team (provided it is quick and painless, no gnawing).

Or maybe it won't be a big deal at all, because the zombies will actually be like the vampires of today — sparkling, broodingly romantic, good-looking in a dead sort of way and just want to be normal — and humans will just fall in love with them and want to die to be with them forever.

If that's the case, then please, please, please, let me die quickly.

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