Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Self-foot shooting

It just so happens that, like Chandler from "Friends," all of my funny seems to come from one source. (YouTube failed me. You'll have to settle for reading the exchange.)

Chandler: Well, hello!
Joey: Where've you been?
Chandler: The doctor.
Ross: Is everything okay?
Chandler: Oh, yes. Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy. Yep. Two nipples, no waiting.
Monica: Wow. Just like Rachel in high school.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Come on, I was kidding. It was such an obvious joke.
Chandler: That was an obvious joke. And I didn't think of it. Why didn't I think of it? [Points at his chest] The source of all my powers. Oh, dear, what have I done?

Mine is not any untoward body parts; rather, it was the catastrophe that was my online dating. Now that I've had an online dating-ectomy, I seem to be sadly lacking in blog content.

For no other reason than to change this, I decided to sign up for another online dating service. The problem is, I don't want to pay for it; I'd much rather spend my money on chocolates in Germany than making fake connections with 40-year-old men. (First contact. He also can't live without his smartphone. I totally judged him.)

Anyway, without paying for it, it's basically pointless. Since I really don't care, it's even more pointless. I lasted a whopping four days before pulling the plug.

And what was the website's inspiring speech to get me to stay? Check it out for yourself.

  • Research shows only 1 in 4 American marriages are actually happy. I don't think this point is actually selling what they think it's selling. To me, it's screaming, "Stay single! You'll be better off."
  • Choosing the right mate is the KEY to creating a compatible, loving relationship. Ahh. And knowing when and how to properly accent ideas is the KEY to good communication. Anyone else say that word kind of forcefully in their heads when they read it? Or is that just the language nazi?
  • Finding a soul mate on your own and knowing if you're really compatible has never been more confusing or difficult. Really? Never? In the entire history of the world, finding someone to have a good marriage with has never been this difficult? Granted, Adam and Eve got off pretty easy, but I suspect it hasn't been a walk in the park for all of our ancestors leading up to now. Plus, I'm not really looking for a soul mate. That's so much pressure. And if I am in fact looking for a soul mate, what if he is not on this dating website? What if he's fawning over some other woman? What if he's caught up in his career? What if he got the feeling that he's supposed to move to Utah and he understandably freaked out and relocated to Antarctica? What if he is on this website but he answered the questions wrong and thus we are doomed to the computer telling us we are incompatible? What if I answered the questions sarcastically? What if the computer malfunctioned?
  • (Website's) proven method of selecting compatible matches has helped create thousands of happy, successful relationships. It also has helped create thousands of people who feel like they're freaks of nature because that highly specialized matching system comes back, "We're sorry, there are no matches for you at this time." 

  • On the down side, this pretty much guarantees that I will have no conversations to mock. On the up side, it might help to restore a little faith in single men, since based on my recent interactions conversations they are only interested in sex and their own delusions of awesomeness.

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