Sunday, February 5, 2012

The things we do for our art

I should start a blog called "The Sordid Tales of the Online Dater." *

So I'm chatting with this guy. He starts a conversation and exits after I didn't respond in 30 seconds. When I did respond, he hopped back on, and we had this exchange. My editorial comments were going to be in red, but then it would look like Christmas, so they're going to be in purple. And, for the sake of not overwhelming myself, spelling, grammar and speaking in textese are off the table.

  • Him: ?
  • Him: how ru
  • Me: Sorry. Distracted by Tom Brady's hail mary pass.
  • Me: I'm good. Except I kind of wanted the Patriots to win. How are you?
  • Him: i like u already like u ur watching sports
  • Him: im good do u like tall men im almost 6'4
  • Me: I do like tall men. They go well with my high heels.
  • Him: how tall ru am i to tall? I guess I shouldn't judge too harshly, since I'm definitely looking for a tall man, but it's not exactly how I would start a conversation.
  • Me: I'm 5'7. So no, not too tall.
  • Me: you, I mean.
  • Him: my birthday is august 7th whens urss He might be trying to steal my identity here. I'm not sure. More on that later.
  • Him: ?
  • Me: mine is at the end of this month.
  • Me: Did you watch the game?
  • Him: 2 the 3rd quarter
  • Him: being 5'7 ru more legs more upper or even length top and bottm Um, seriously? How awkward is this question?
  • Him: ?
  • Me: I can't say that I've ever measured my top to bottom ratio.
  • Him: what is ur bbest feature u like bout urself and what do men like ? Oy vey. What do I like about myself? That I'm a pretty good conversationalist, and I'm wasting it on this sorry excuse of an exchange.
  • Me: I'm really funny
  • Me: at least I think I am
  • Him: what bout physsical feature u like bout u and what do men like
  • Him: ? If I don't respond in about a minute, I get the demanding question mark. I wish this was the end. It isn't.
  • Me: I have great legs. I coulda said something else. 
  • Me: What are your hobbies?
  • Him: running sometimes go for walks basketball soccer and football so sports mostly but im open to more things
  • Him: do u have long legs? Soccer. I want to talk about soccer.
  • Him: ?
  • Me: I love sports. Soccer is my absolute first love. The World Cup is the greatest month of every four years.
  • Him: do u have nice legss? One. Track. Mind. At least he's not asking about my cup size.
  • Me: I like them. yesterday they took me 14 miles.
  • Him: so do u like tall men Have we not covered the height thing already?
  • Me: I do. I also like interesting men.
  • Him: am i too tall for u Pretty sure I've answered this already, dude. Move to a subject that's not my body
  • Him: ?
  • Me: I don't think so. I don't generally rule people out based on height.
  • Me: Well, that's not true. a 5-5er would be a problem.
  • Me: What do you do for work?
  • Him: ur birthday is end of this mont could i take u out for u birthday maybe
  • Me: I'm actually going to be out of town the last week of the month. I'm celebrating my birthday with my nephews. Ahh, two of the males in my life who will never subject me to awful awkward conversations. Also on that list: my dad, my brother, my brother-in-law.
  • Him: ru a affectionate woman cuddle kiss make out or is that not ur cup of tea?
  • AND we have the first introduction of making out. Sigh ...

  • Me: what's the best date you've ever had?
  • Him: what if i wanted to take u out on a date ? Answer the dang question.
  • Him: i have gone on concert dates to tim mcgraw and poison and jazz games as well
  • Me: if you're hoping to take me out on the best date you've ever had, that is a dang lot of pressure.
  • Him: lets just ssay i go out on dates that have alot of things in it that could cost upto 100.00 at the most sometimes Am I supposed to be impressed? Because I'm actually horrified. That's way too much for a date. I'd almost feel like I'd have to put out after that, which could, you know, not be so good.
  • Me: what's the best date you've ever been on that cost less than $20?

  • ...

  • Him: so ru cool with me taking u out and letting me see these legs ur talking bout ? I almost said, "It's winter. You won't see my legs." But then I realized that wouldn't get me anywhere. Neither did my next tactic: honesty.
  • Me: I don't think so. I don't think either of us is what the other one is looking for. But good luck!
  • Him: what ru lookin for what makes u think im not what ur lookin for I did NOT think honesty was the best policy here.
  • Me: Someone who's looking for more than just great legs. Well, OK, a little honesty. But that list could have been much longer.
  • Him: ru serious or joking with me u think im not ur match cause im lookin for more than great legs? I think his understanding was that I think he's too good for me. This is awkward.
  • Me: I'm looking for someone who's looking for more than great legs. And someone with whom I feel a stronger connection. I just don't really feel it here. I'm sorry I wasn't sorry, but this way we're not wasting any effort.
  • Him: i meant to sayy that its a plus but thats not all im hoping for or lookin for i want more legs r just a good plus By a mental show of hands, did anyone else feel like he thought the physical aspects were just a plus, or did you think that was all he was interested in? I think I gave him enough opportunities to discuss other things, but no, we always went straight back to the legs.
  • Him: ! He's switched punctuation marks.
  • Him: give me a chance What exactly do you think this is?
  • Me: I don't want to waste your time. How harsh do you want me to get here, guy? I think this is how normal people handle this situations. What can I do differently to politely get my point across that this is not going to happen.
  • Him: i want more than just legs
  • Him: !
  • Him: i want to get to know u and take u out if ud allow me to
  • Me: I feel like we've both put a good faith effort into this conversation and I don't see it going anywhere. Thanks for your interest, but this is where it ends. Good night!

  • He chastised me once more about how this is not a good way to get to know each other, that we need to meet to actually get to know each other. In one sense I agree with him, but in my book we only go to step 2 of getting to know each other if we like what we learn in step 1. You know what I learned about him in step 1? He's tall. No, really, he is tall. He brags about money. He'd really, really like to take my legs out on a date.

    This is why artists are so messed up. We torture ourselves for our art.

    *I should note that I have conversations and dates and interactions that do not end up as despairing/disparaging blog posts, including one tonight. They're not all like this.


    1. He's interested in more than your legs! Like your but and your sexy stomach and your boobs. See, lots of things.

    2. I wish this was facebook so I could "like" the first comment on here.

    3. and you really should devote a blog exclusively for this.

    4. On behalf of three of the five men/boys you mentioned in a positive light thanks! Jen