Sunday, February 5, 2012


The Super Bowl is like the Olympics of advertising.

And, like the Olympics, you always have someone who drops the baton and botches the landing, just like there's a dark horse who comes from behind and there's Usain Bolt, who's running belongs in the Louvre it's so breathtaking.

On a scale of 1 to little Darth Vader starting the car, following are my assessments of the Super Bowl commercials.

Bud Light platinum -- 1. Please. You can do better than that.
Audi vampires -- Meh.
Elton John drinking Pepsi -- 6. Mr. John's presence  (read: glittery platform heels) was funny.
Hyundai cheetah -- 6.5. It's new. I laughed.
Bud Light platinum "they say" -- 2. Come on, Bud Light. Pick it up.
Best Buy "we created" -- 7. It was a 4 until the Words with Friends joke.
Coke polar bears -- 5.5. It would have been a 4, but the polar bears are cute.
Chevy end of the world. 8. Frogs fall from the sky. ("Where's Dave?" "Dave didn't make it. Dave drove a Ford.")

* 19-yard gain after a Wes Welker catch! He was a Red Raider. First first down for the Patriots.

Bridgestone Aikman and Sanders -- 3. Not funny.
Go Daddy naked painted model -- 2. Nudity is not creative. It's too easy.
Lexus -- 4. The commercial's generic, but the car is hot.
Battleship -- 7. Because I'm totally going to see the movie. Also, I'm wondering when someone's going to make a movie out of the game "Chutes and Ladders." Any takers?

* Made this for dinner. Ate it in a soup bowl. Geekily called it the Souper Bowl. Highly recommend it.

Budweiser Prohibition -- 6.5. This is closer to what I've come to expect from Budweiser.
Dog bribing Doritos -- 8. Doritos has been on fire the last few years, except for that awkward cheese-dust-licking phase it went through last year.
Camaro grad gift -- 5. It would have been higher, but I've seen it before.
GE -- 4. I got confused halfway through and thought it might have been a beer commercial. Not a good sign.
John Carter -- 3. It's a weird-looking movie. -- 9. Kid peeing in pool? Comedic genius. I don't know why.

*I'm going to spend halftime making cookies. I don't like Madonna. I do like chocoalte chippy, buttery baked goods.

The Lorax -- 8.5. "That's a woman?!?" Dr. Seuss movies can't handle any more creativity.
VW chunky dog -- 9. Cute dog. Darth Vader. You can't make this stuff up.
Howard Stern in A'sGT -- 3. 'Cause he kind of makes me uncomfortable.
H&M Beckham in underwear -- 4. David Beckham in his underwear seems like an awesome thing. I just wish he didn't have basketball player arm tattoos. I prefer muscles pure and unadorned.
Polar bear hot Coke -- 5. Only two polar bears got a Coke. The rest were sad. What's up with that? Share.
Chevy Sonic -- 7. It made me want to be a stunt driver, just a little bit.
3D Star Wars -- 2. This movie has been out for 15 years or something like that. Come on, George Lucas. 3D doesn't make it better, it just makes it 3D.
The Avengers -- 8. They lose a point for Scarlett Johannson.
Teleflora -- 7.5. Suggestive instead of overt. Nice.
Skechers -- 9. The dance across the finish line? Mark Cuban? Advertising gold.
Kinect -- 3. Could have been any old TV show. -- 7.5. The confidence coming out of one shoulder was simultaneously awkward and really hilarious. Whoo!

*This game is painful. Why can't my teams ever win? I hate this football season. Almost as much as I hate that this football season is almost over.

Doritos king of the hill -- 9. Grandma. Flying baby. Awesome!
eTrade -- 6. I hate the eTrade baby commercials, but Bobby's speed dating at the end was a nice touch.
GI Joe -- 4. My feelings on the first GI Joe movie biased how I feel about this one and thus this commercial. But it also wasn't funny. Or clever. The movie or the commercial.

*Cookie time! Patriots 10, Giants 9. Finally.

NFL Fantasy -- 3.5. Some people can't do bling. This commercial gathered all of those people.
Xfinity house on wheels -- 4.5. Really? They couldn't do any better than that?
Hulu brain smoothie -- 6. Not as good as Alec Baldwin, but close
The Voice -- 10. Two words. Betty White.

* Madonna and LMFAO? That's an, interesting, creative twist.

Clint Eastwood Detroit -- 9. I don't even like those car brands and I wanted to stand up applaud. As good as the Eminem commercials of last year.
American Family Insurance "minivan?" "minivan." -- 4. Insurance commercial. But kind of funny.
Foamy Fiat -- 9. Wow. That was good TV. I did not see the twist coming.
Pepsi Max -- 4. Eh. It was no Elton John.
Toyota Camry reinvention -- 5. It was weird. I only sort of got it. Or maybe there's nothing to get. Or maybe I didn't get it at all.
More Coke polar bears -- 3.5. They're not improving. Well, I guess they are. They shared.
Oikos Greek yogurt -- 8. That girl totally head-butted John Stamos for yogurt.
Century 21 -- 3. It's like the movie "New Years Eve." That many famous people usually means it's not very good.
Acura MSX -- 8.5. Jerry Seinfeld is just funny. He could stand still and say nothing and be funny. Then he's ousted by Jay Leno! Good move, Acura.
GE Works -- 3. That was not a $4M commercial.
Budweiser great times -- 6.5. Those times do look great. Especially with Flo Rida as a soundtrack.
Bridgestone sleeping baby -- 5. Not great. The best part is her face at the end.

* MSN has an interesting article about the culture of mooching that is increasing in the society. One fact: the longer unemployment benefits last, the higher unemployment gets.

NFL timeline -- 6.5. It starts with mud football and ends with a plea for safety. If I could cry, that commercial mighta done it.
The Ferris Bueller Honda commercial -- 3. To be fair, I didn't like Ferris Bueller round 1.
Act of Valor -- 8. That movie sends chills down my spine. The image of a soldier hugging his son and a wife telling her husband to be careful there -- there being war -- is just powerful.
MetLife -- 5. This might have been good. I didn't pay attention to it because of the Act of Valor commercial.
Hyundai heart attack -- 6.5. Not bad. Not bad at all.
Budlight Wego -- 7. It started out as a 9. Then I started to feel like the dog was being abused, and it dropped into the negatives. But then he's chillin' in the pool, so it all works out.
Kia Sandman -- 8. I've never been impressed with Kia until this moment. monkeys -- 6. I'm supposed to condemn this spot because animal rights groups are upset about the use of chimps. But I couldn't. It was funny.
Samsung hot pants street dance -- 8.5. "That was over the top." How could you not like that commercial?

* We're halfway through the fourth quarter. I haven't peed in three and a half hours. Don't want to miss anything, y'know.

Cadillac vs. BMW -- 2. A Super Bowl commercial is not enough to convince me that Cadillac is better than BMW. You're not that good, Detroit.
Swamp People gators -- 5. I don't know what to do with that.
Go Daddy Danica dream -- 3. It makes me feel dirty that I do business with this company.

Sigh. Patriots lose. Well, good thing I only picked them because I couldn't cheer for the Packers. And I only watch the NFL because college is over. On to the Olympics!

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