The Super Bowl is like the Olympics of advertising.
And, like the Olympics, you always have someone who drops the baton and botches the landing, just like there's a dark horse who comes from behind and there's Usain Bolt, who's running belongs in the Louvre it's so breathtaking.
On a scale of 1 to little Darth Vader starting the car, following are my assessments of the Super Bowl commercials.
Bud Light platinum -- 1. Please. You can do better than that.
Audi vampires -- Meh.
Elton John drinking Pepsi -- 6. Mr. John's presence (read: glittery platform heels) was funny.
Hyundai cheetah -- 6.5. It's new. I laughed.
Bud Light platinum "they say" -- 2. Come on, Bud Light. Pick it up.
Best Buy "we created" -- 7. It was a 4 until the Words with Friends joke.
Coke polar bears -- 5.5. It would have been a 4, but the polar bears are cute.
Chevy end of the world. 8. Frogs fall from the sky. ("Where's Dave?" "Dave didn't make it. Dave drove a Ford.")
* 19-yard gain after a Wes Welker catch! He was a Red Raider. First first down for the Patriots.
Bridgestone Aikman and Sanders -- 3. Not funny.
Go Daddy naked painted model -- 2. Nudity is not creative. It's too easy.
Lexus -- 4. The commercial's generic, but the car is hot.
Battleship -- 7. Because I'm totally going to see the movie. Also, I'm wondering when someone's going to make a movie out of the game "Chutes and Ladders." Any takers?
* Made this for dinner. Ate it in a soup bowl. Geekily called it the Souper Bowl. Highly recommend it.
Budweiser Prohibition -- 6.5. This is closer to what I've come to expect from Budweiser.
Dog bribing Doritos -- 8. Doritos has been on fire the last few years, except for that awkward cheese-dust-licking phase it went through last year.
Camaro grad gift -- 5. It would have been higher, but I've seen it before.
GE -- 4. I got confused halfway through and thought it might have been a beer commercial. Not a good sign.
John Carter -- 3. It's a weird-looking movie.
TaxACT.com -- 9. Kid peeing in pool? Comedic genius. I don't know why.
*I'm going to spend halftime making cookies. I don't like Madonna. I do like chocoalte chippy, buttery baked goods.
The Lorax -- 8.5. "That's a woman?!?" Dr. Seuss movies can't handle any more creativity.
VW chunky dog -- 9. Cute dog. Darth Vader. You can't make this stuff up.
Howard Stern in A'sGT -- 3. 'Cause he kind of makes me uncomfortable.
H&M Beckham in underwear -- 4. David Beckham in his underwear seems like an awesome thing. I just wish he didn't have basketball player arm tattoos. I prefer muscles pure and unadorned.
Polar bear hot Coke -- 5. Only two polar bears got a Coke. The rest were sad. What's up with that? Share.
Chevy Sonic -- 7. It made me want to be a stunt driver, just a little bit.
3D Star Wars -- 2. This movie has been out for 15 years or something like that. Come on, George Lucas. 3D doesn't make it better, it just makes it 3D.
The Avengers -- 8. They lose a point for Scarlett Johannson.
Teleflora -- 7.5. Suggestive instead of overt. Nice.
Skechers -- 9. The dance across the finish line? Mark Cuban? Advertising gold.
Kinect -- 3. Could have been any old TV show.
Cars.com -- 7.5. The confidence coming out of one shoulder was simultaneously awkward and really hilarious. Whoo!
*This game is painful. Why can't my teams ever win? I hate this football season. Almost as much as I hate that this football season is almost over.
Doritos king of the hill -- 9. Grandma. Flying baby. Awesome!
eTrade -- 6. I hate the eTrade baby commercials, but Bobby's speed dating at the end was a nice touch.
GI Joe -- 4. My feelings on the first GI Joe movie biased how I feel about this one and thus this commercial. But it also wasn't funny. Or clever. The movie or the commercial.
*Cookie time! Patriots 10, Giants 9. Finally.
NFL Fantasy -- 3.5. Some people can't do bling. This commercial gathered all of those people.
Xfinity house on wheels -- 4.5. Really? They couldn't do any better than that?
Hulu brain smoothie -- 6. Not as good as Alec Baldwin, but close
The Voice -- 10. Two words. Betty White.
* Madonna and LMFAO? That's an, interesting, creative twist.
Clint Eastwood Detroit -- 9. I don't even like those car brands and I wanted to stand up applaud. As good as the Eminem commercials of last year.
American Family Insurance "minivan?" "minivan." -- 4. Insurance commercial. But kind of funny.
Foamy Fiat -- 9. Wow. That was good TV. I did not see the twist coming.
Pepsi Max -- 4. Eh. It was no Elton John.
Toyota Camry reinvention -- 5. It was weird. I only sort of got it. Or maybe there's nothing to get. Or maybe I didn't get it at all.
More Coke polar bears -- 3.5. They're not improving. Well, I guess they are. They shared.
Oikos Greek yogurt -- 8. That girl totally head-butted John Stamos for yogurt.
Century 21 -- 3. It's like the movie "New Years Eve." That many famous people usually means it's not very good.
Acura MSX -- 8.5. Jerry Seinfeld is just funny. He could stand still and say nothing and be funny. Then he's ousted by Jay Leno! Good move, Acura.
GE Works -- 3. That was not a $4M commercial.
Budweiser great times -- 6.5. Those times do look great. Especially with Flo Rida as a soundtrack.
Bridgestone sleeping baby -- 5. Not great. The best part is her face at the end.
* MSN has an interesting article about the culture of mooching that is increasing in the society. One fact: the longer unemployment benefits last, the higher unemployment gets.
NFL timeline -- 6.5. It starts with mud football and ends with a plea for safety. If I could cry, that commercial mighta done it.
The Ferris Bueller Honda commercial -- 3. To be fair, I didn't like Ferris Bueller round 1.
Act of Valor -- 8. That movie sends chills down my spine. The image of a soldier hugging his son and a wife telling her husband to be careful there -- there being war -- is just powerful.
MetLife -- 5. This might have been good. I didn't pay attention to it because of the Act of Valor commercial.
Hyundai heart attack -- 6.5. Not bad. Not bad at all.
Budlight Wego -- 7. It started out as a 9. Then I started to feel like the dog was being abused, and it dropped into the negatives. But then he's chillin' in the pool, so it all works out.
Kia Sandman -- 8. I've never been impressed with Kia until this moment.
Careerbuilder.com monkeys -- 6. I'm supposed to condemn this spot because animal rights groups are upset about the use of chimps. But I couldn't. It was funny.
Samsung hot pants street dance -- 8.5. "That was over the top." How could you not like that commercial?
* We're halfway through the fourth quarter. I haven't peed in three and a half hours. Don't want to miss anything, y'know.
Cadillac vs. BMW -- 2. A Super Bowl commercial is not enough to convince me that Cadillac is better than BMW. You're not that good, Detroit.
Swamp People gators -- 5. I don't know what to do with that.
Go Daddy Danica dream -- 3. It makes me feel dirty that I do business with this company.
Sigh. Patriots lose. Well, good thing I only picked them because I couldn't cheer for the Packers. And I only watch the NFL because college is over. On to the Olympics!