Sunday, January 15, 2012

Maybe it's me

The first time a man told me he loved me, I was 20 years old, we'd been dating a couple of months and it was about 1:30 a.m. We were having a rather intense discussion about our relationship.

It happened like this:
Boyfriend: "I love you."
Heidi, agape: "What do you mean, you love me? You mean you love me as a friend? What does that mean?"
Boyfriend, with incredulous expression: "It means I love you."
Heidi, aside: "Oh crap."

This was when I first discovered my commitment phobia. It's been almost 10 years. It has not improved with time.

Fast forward to now, when I signed up for LDS Singles. (Yes, I'm somewhat back on. I don't want to talk about it.) Before I even have a chance to get my bearings with these individuals, they're talking about holding hands or marriage or what they're looking for or making out or something. I keep thinking that they are moving way too dang fast.

However, it's happening again, and I'm wondering if maybe I'm the problem. It's not that these men are so fast moving, it's that I'm a turtle when it comes to anything that sort of looks like commitment. Below is a sampling of things this guy has written.

While talking about college football:
"Hunny .. I will still rub your feet while we talk but I will not use like and that man in the same sentence." (regarding Nick Saban)

After he asked me what I loved:
"So if I made you a brownie with rocky road on top with crushed Oreos and hot fudge what would you say?"
Me: "Nothing. It's the greatest compliment I can give a chef."
"How about a kiss on the cheek?"

When he asked if I liked to cook, after I asked him what his favorite things to cook were:
"What would you cook for me?"

After I said I like baking:
"Do you like to be pampered?"

Out of nowhere:
"Do you paint your toes?"
"Maybe I could do it for you."

Once he mentioned making out (a foot rub is more intimate than making out, right? That's not just me? I think kissing is a lot more likely to happen than letting some guy touch my feet.) I moved the conversation to more palatable topics, like politics (he's a moderate who likes Ron Paul) and Utah (he likes the weather, not so thrilled with the people).

So, here's my question: if it is me, how do I get over it? Do I need to start asking guys what they look for in a wife and how many kids they want to have? (I just threw up in my mouth.) Should I start accepting foot rubs? (I'm sorry, but that's disgusting. I have runner's feet. No one should have to touch them.) Should I start offering foot rubs? (Yeah, like I want to get all close up and personal with some random dude's feet.)

After I said I cheer for Alabama because they're red:
"Aww, babe"

If the cure for commitment phobia is to start using terms of endearment, then I'm just never getting over it.


  1. The cure for commitment phobia is gradually working your way from little commitments "How about a date?" up through bigger commitments "Let's date and maybe do foot rubs?" It should work in theory anyway.

  2. It seems like what you're expressing is in proportion to how much you like him, right? Which seems appropriate. Either this guy really likes you or he's super horny.

  3. Not that I want to add to your phobia, but it could be worse, the comments/suggestions could be coming from men old enough to be your father... Oh wait, that's only what happens to me! :)

  4. Ok, I think the kiss on the cheek comment is okay. I still don't get many foot rubs from the man I've been married to for ten years, and I don't think he ever gave me a foot rub before getting married.