I have decided to not do my part in keeping USPS solvent by not sending out a Christmas letter this year — as opposed to other years, when I have not sent out a Christmas letter because a) my life is not that interesting, b) no one would get it until Easter because, while I'm not a procrastinator, I do put off things I tend to not care about, and c) thanks to Facebook, everybody who wants to know what's going on in my life does.
But this year I'm breaking with tradition — sort of — by writing a blog post that would be a Christmas letter if 1) I ever bought stamps, 2) I had anyone's addresses, and 3) all of this were true.
Just kidding. Of course it's all true. And to make it seem more legitimate, I am writing the remainder of this in third person. Because that's what people do.
January: It was brutally cold. That is all Heidi remembers of January.
February: Heidi celebrated her 29th birthday by learning to play poker. Fortunately for her, Heidi doesn't believe in gambling, so she didn't actually lose any money in this venture.
March: Heidi drove through a blizzard in Spanish Fork Canyon and thought she was going to die. She resolved to move out of Utah by the next winter. (Spoiler: she was unsuccessful.) She hiked to the top of Angel's Landing, this crazy peak in Zion National Park that requires a little cliffside scrambling. She and Rachel went to a sad RSL-L.A. Galaxy game and were assaulted by a giant RSL flag.
April: Egads. Only four months into the year, and Heidi is remembering exactly why she doesn't send these. In April Heidi went to a new singles ward and discovered a forgotten and bizarre species from her past — the 19-year-old. She also went hiking in the snow. Voluntarily. She's not sure why. She went to Goblin Valley, which she would highly recommend you do, and she went camping, which she would highly recommend you not do.
Thought about going to law school.
May: More hiking and camping, same results as above. She and Jennifer went to Arches and went rafting down the Colorado River. To Heidi's disappointment, she did not fall out of the raft. While driving back — on Memorial Day! — it snowed. Heidi wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry, so she swore instead.
Heidi also signed up for online dating. She is trying to think of something good to say about it, other than it made for funny blog entries.
Nope, that's it.
June: Went on a date via online dating. Got stood up on a date via online dating. Thought about getting a dog.
July: Did her first triathlon! It was so hard. Spent two weeks in Europe. Discovered chocolate-covered peanut butter filled pretzels and wondered where those had been all her life. Got a phone call at 4:48 p.m. one day that resulted in an adrenaline-inducing news frenzy. Felt a little bit like Woodward.
August: Heidi got promoted from investigative reporter to city editor. This brought on a barrage of questions to which she was expected to know the answers. That hasn't really changed. She hiked Mt. Timpanogos for the second time and conceded that in fact, it is just not fun.
September: The much-anticipated football season began, which Heidi only caught bits and pieces of between studying for the LSAT. For one solid month, she went to work and studied, with eating, sleeping and working out thrown in there. The week before the test, she ran the Dirty Dash, a 10K through the mud. It freakin' rocked.
October: Took the LSAT. Discovered every other test-taker there wanted to go to BYU. Felt better about her chances of getting into the schools she wanted to go to. Watched Texas Tech lose to A&M, drowned her sorrows in black and red cake bites. Watched Texas Tech beat Oklahoma in a fit of nervous excitement. She also went rappelling and wanted to bring the instructor home with her as a parting gift.
November: Heidi watched in horror as her football team made itself impotent. She started writing personal statements and filling out law school applications, as well as getting emails from all sorts of exciting schools inviting her to apply there. She bought 13 pounds of sweet potatoes and tried six different recipes and enjoyed them all. She also went on another dating website date. The next day her subscription expired. She did not renew it.
December: Heidi dressed up like Santa Claus and ran a 5K. She survived an entire week being the only editor in the news department, which was made much easier by the high level of competence from everyone else in the news department. She almost bought a plane ticket to Germany and almost booked a hotel in Costa Rica before finally settling on visiting the natives in the hostile West Virginia wilderness. She got accepted to her first law school.
And that, Heidi's friends, is exactly why she does not send out Christmas letters.
Merry Christmas! (Happy Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festivus/winter solstice as appropriate)