Wednesday, December 7, 2011

The best use of 1,615 words ever

This is going to be a very long blog post, but I think it's worth it. I think you'll think it is too.

It all started when a Facebook friend posted a hilarious email sent by Mike to Lauren. Don't know these people? Doesn't matter. This email makes my dating stories look like a walk on the beach. My editorial comments are in red. Enjoy!
Hi Lauren,
I’m disappointed in you. I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten a response to my voicemail and text messages. As a preface, he wants to date this girl. Admit it ladies, this line would make you go weak at the knees.
FYI, I suggest that you keep in mind that emails sound more impersonal, harsher, and are easier to misinterpret than in-person or phone communication. After all, people can’t see someone’s body language or tone of voice in an email. I’m not trying to be harsh, patronizing, or insulting in this email. I’m honest and direct by nature, and I’m going to be that way in this email. By the way, I did a google search, so that’s how I came across your email. To quote Paris Hilton, that's so hot. Stalking is the new in.
I assume that you no longer want to go out with me. What gave you that idea? (If you do want to go out with me, then you should let me know.) I suggest that you make a sincere apology to me for giving me mixed signals. I feel led on by you. A sincere apology? That you demand via email? Right now Lauren is thinking, "I am sorry ... sorry I went out with you at all, you freak."
Things that happened during our date include, but are not limited to, the following: Oh no. Is this about to get really dirty?
-You played with your hair a lot. Never mind. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. I'm thinking he owns stock in Google? When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I’ve never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. Well, case closed. In addition, it didn’t look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness. Have you considered boredom?
-We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I’ve never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you. He keeps statistics on his dates?!?!
-You said, “It was nice to meet you.” at the end of our date. A woman could say this statement as a way to show that she isn’t interested in seeing a man again or she could mean what she said–that it was nice to meet you. The statement, by itself, is inconclusive. And you included it because ...
-We had a nice conversation over dinner. I don’t think I’m being delusional in saying this statement. You're in love with the sound of your own voice. You could have had a nice conversation with your wine glass.
In my opinion, leading someone on (i.e., giving mixed signals) is impolite and immature. It’s bad to do that. What if she was giving straight signals and you were mixing them up?
Normally, I would not be asking for information if a woman and I don’t go out again after a first date. However, in our case, I’m curious because I think our date went well and that there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship. I think there's a tiny possibility that Lauren did not feel the same way. Of course, it’s difficult to predict what would happen, but I think there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship developing between us one day (or least there was before your non-response to my voicemail and text messages).
I think we should go out on a second date. In my opinion, our first date was good enough to lead to a second date. That would be the most awkward date of all time. What would you talk about?
Why am I writing you? What do you know? That is probably exactly what Lauren was thinking. Well, hopefully, we will go out again. Hopefully Lauren won't call the cops on you after this. Even if we don’t, I gain utility from expressing my thoughts to you. In addition, even if you don’t want to go out again, I would like to get feedback as to why you wouldn’t want to go again. Are you kidding me? The worst therapist in the world could answer this question in a second. Normally, I wouldn’t ask a woman for this type of feedback after a first date, but this is an exception given I think we have a lot of potential.
If you don’t want to go again, then apparently you didn’t think our first date was good enough to lead to a second date. Spot on. How many years of dating did it take you to reach this conclusion? Dating or a relationship is not a Hollywood movie. Yet this is reading so much like the start of a horror film. It’s good to keep that in mind. In general, I thought the date went well and was expecting that we would go out on a second date.
If you’re not interested in going out again, then I would have preferred if you hadn’t given those mixed signals. I feel led on. We have a number of things in common. I’ll name a few things We're both human. Possibly: First, we’ve both very intelligent. And humble. Second, we both like classical music so much that we go to classical music performances by ourselves. In fact, the number one interest that I would want to have in common with a woman with whom I’m in a relationship is a liking of classical music. I wouldn’t be seriously involved with a woman if she didn’t like classical music. You said that you’re planning to go the NY Philharmonic more often in the future. As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often. You’re very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests. What every girl wants to hear: that dating her is convenient. Mike, you sly dog, I thought you said dating isn't like a Hollywood movie. We already go to classical music performances by ourselves. If we go to classical music performances together, it wouldn’t take any significant additional time on your part. According to the internet, you’re 33 or 32, so, at least from my point of view, we’re a good match in terms of age. Also, I looked up your family history on the internet: did you know twins run in your family? I think we should have two sets. I could name more things that we have in common, but I’ll stop here. Don't get too excited. He's not actually done. I don’t understand why you apparently don’t want to go out with me again. Again, really? We have numerous things in common. I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didn’t find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place. Irrational? Maybe she was trying to be nice. I'm guessing she'll never do it again. After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date. Perhaps, you’re unimpressed that I manage my family’s investments and my own investments. Perhaps, you don’t think I have a “real” job. No one thinks investment banker is not a real job. Except perhaps for Mike, who doth protest too much. Well, I’ve done very well as an investment manager. I’ve made my parents several millions of dollars. That’s real money. That’s not monopoly money. In my opinion, if I make real money, it’s a real job. Donald Trump’s children work for his company. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. George Soros’s sons help manage their family investments. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. In addition, I’m both a right-brain and left-brain man, given that I’m both an investment manager and a philosopher/writer. That’s a unique characteristic; most people aren’t like that. Which is good, because I'm pretty sure this email is one of the signs of the Second Coming. I’ve never been as disappointed and sad about having difficulty about getting a second date as I am with you. I’ve gone out with a lot of women in my life. (FYI, I’m not a serial dater. Sometimes, I’ve only gone out with a woman for one date.) People don’t grow on trees. I hope you appreciate the potential we have. Potential for what?
Am I sensitive person? Sure, I am. I think it’s better to be sensitive than to be insensitive. There are too many impolite, insensitive people in the world. How far do you think he has to look before finding an impolite, insensitive person?
I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens. Hypothesis: He knocks on door. She hands him restraining order. The end. Needless to say, I find you less appealing now (given that you haven’t returned my messages) than I did at our first date. However, I would be willing to go out with you again. What a standup guy. I’m open minded and flexible and am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt too. If you don’t want to go out again, in my opinion, you would be making a big mistake, perhaps one of the biggest mistakes in your life. I don't think he could find a single person to back that claim up. If you don’t want to go out again, then you should have called to tell me so. Imagined conversation: Hi, Mike, this is Lauren, your date from last night. I just wanted to let you know that I'm not going to go out with you again, so don't even ask. Even sending a text message would have been better than nothing. In my opinion, not responding to my messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive, and cowardly. I spent time, effort, and money meeting you for dinner. Getting back to me in response to my messages would have been a reasonable thing for you to do. In addition, you arrived about 30 minutes late for our date. You shoulda led with this. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if a man showed up thirty minutes late for a first date with you.
If you’re concerned that you will hurt my feelings by providing specific information about why you don’t want to go with me again, well, my feeling are already hurt. I’m sad and disappointed about this situation. If you give information, at least I can understand the situation better. I might even learn something that is beneficial. Do not stalk women, harass them for a second date and then ask how you could improve.
If you don’t want to go out again, that I request that you call me and make a sincere apology for leading me on (i.e., giving me mixed signals). Or block his number. And email address. In my opinion, you shouldn’t act that way toward a man and then not go out with him again. It’s bad to play with your hair so much and make so much eye contact if you’re not interested in going out with me again. Come on, girl! Just be blatantly bored next time. Yawn. Being friendly clearly gets you nowhere. I have tried to write this email well, but it’s not perfect. Again, I’m not trying to be harsh, insulting, patronizing, etc. I’m disappointed, sad, etc. I would like to talk to you on the phone. Magic 8 ball says, "My sources say no." I hope you will call me back at xxx-xxx-xxxx> (if it’s inconvenient for you to talk on the phone when you read this email, you can let me know via email that you are willing to talk on the phone and I’ll call you). If you get my voicemail, you can a leave a message and I can call you back. Even if you don’t want to go out again, I would appreciate it if you give me the courtesy of calling me and talking to me. Yes, you might say things that hurt me, but my feelings are already hurt. This man has now made up for all of the men, since of the dawn of time, who refuse to talk about their feelings. Sending me an email response (instead of talking on the phone) would better than no response at all, but I think it would be better to talk on the phone. Email communication has too much potential for misinterpretation, etc.
Best, Mike
Misinterpretation? I'm not sure how to misinterpret that in a way that makes him look worse.

Best, H-dawg


  1. So if you were Lauren, what would you do next? ;)

  2. Best if you read it like this.

    Dramatic Reading of a Break Up Letter

  3. "Quick, what's the number for 911?" - Little Rascals (movie)

  4. Mike,

    I'm sorry not to have contacted you; however, after you dropped me off at my apartment I was attacked by the serial killer who is terrorizing our city. He stabbed me 187 times; ripped out half of the hair extensions I needed after my Pinto exploded last year; and managed to pop out the fancy false eye I got after that nasty dog attack in 2009.

    I had such a wonderful time on our date. I was worried you would see the hair extensions and would spot the false eye -- could you tell?

    I would love to go out again. You seem like a relaxed, easygoing guy. My last boyfriend was one of those types who liked to make lists. He worried excessively if I was a little late for a date and always fretted about whether or not we had enough in common to be compatible. He also bragged about how much money he made and just seemed a bit obsessive about, well, life in general. You don't seem that way at all.

    I just awoke from a coma, but you were the first person I wanted to contact. I don't have my phone (the serial killer took it), so I haven't checked my messages, texts or emails. Just wanted you to know how much fun I had and how much I look forward to seeing you again. Maybe you can come up here and hang out with me in the ICU?

    Looking forward to seeing you!