Friday, November 11, 2011

I did not make this up

Words and phrases I heard on my date tonight:

Oral fixation
Like a good husband
Heavily into cocaine (as in, he had been)
Salacious sex

Remember those complete sentences I raved about? Here's a sampling.

Where the hell is our food?
My wife and I tried for a year and a half to get pregnant.
This blows.
I'm a card-carrying member of the NRA.
I actually think George Bush was the best president we've had for a while.
I have tattoos from here to here.
I have to go to the little boys room.

Things I would have telepathically tweeted:

I can't believe he just said that.
I can't believe he just said that.
Did he really just say that?
"Trying to get pregnant" is code for "had lots of sex."
I can't believe he just said that.
I'm not sure there's a number to describe just how little we have in common.
Keep a straight face. Do not giggle.
If we leave the movie early, I can get out of this date early. Cha-ching!

In his defense: He never even gave me a chance to pay, he suggested we leave the movie because of its graphic nature, and he smelled amazing.

It wasn't a complete waste of time, though. I had a delicious Indian dinner, and the lead actor in the movie we walked out of halfway through was really good-looking, and that was before he got all rugged and unshaven.

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