Supposedly, the best way to pick the winners in March Madness is according to what school's mascot could beat up the other school's mascot. Here's a look at the round of 64.
Winner is in blue, commentary is in red.
Ohio State Buckeyes vs. UT-San Antonio Roadrunners Yes, a buckeye may seem lame, but a roadrunner? They only win when they're playing with dynamite against an idiotic coyote.
George Mason Patriots vs. Villanova Wildcats Apparently the Patriots had a point to prove.
West Virginia Mountaineers vs. Clemson Tigers Props to the humans over wildlife here.
Kentucky Wildcats vs. Princeton Tigers Normally, I'd think a tiger could mean, but I thought these wildcats would. They're meaner. It's a western thing.
Xavier Musketeers vs. Marquette Golden Eagles Both lame. Xavier's mascot is actually D'Artagnan. Some dude dresses up as an 18th century douche to inspire confidence? Questionable.
Syracuse Orange vs. Indiana State Sycamores A fruit vs. a tree. Ya can't make this stuff up.
Washington Huskies vs. Georgia Bulldogs Dogfight! Based on the mascots, however, should be Georgia. Bulldogs can get mean.
UNC Tar Heels vs. Long Island University-Brooklyn Blackbirds Racist reference and a blackbird. Oy. Has to be the Tar Heels. There's no way a blackbird wins without poison.
Duke Blue Devils vs. Hampton Pirates Pirates are scary. Devils are much worse.
Michigan Wolverines vs. Tennessee Volunteers Have you seen X-Men? Wolverine is intense.
Arizona Wildcats vs. Memphis Tigers Again, must be the meaner cat here.
Texas Longhorns vs. Oakland Golden Grizzlies Had the grizzly not had the modifier, it should have won the mascot contest. I've even seen Bevo. But longhorns are big. And Golden Grizzlies sounds a little too hippy to take seriously.
Cincinatti Bearcats vs. Missouri Tigers Meaner cat
UConn Huskies vs. Bucknell Bison Seriously, bison? I just don't see it.
Temple Owls vs Penn State Nittany Lions This method would have totally failed you in this matchup.
SDSU Aztecs vs. Northern Colorado Bears The Aztecs had spears and stuff.
Kansas Jayhawks vs. Boston Terriers Oooh. A terrier's never been a fighter. Please.
UNLV Wolfpack vs. Illinois Fighting Illini The Illini is both a train and an Indian. Wolfpack wins mascot toughness.
Vanderbilt Commodores vs. Richmond Spiders Prior to the game, Commodores would have won this contest. However, since they lost, I have to assume the spiders were some combination of large, hairy and poisonous.
Louisville Cardinals vs. Morehead State Eagles Eagles are a predator. Cardinals eat worms.
Georgetown Hoyas vs. Virginia Commonwealth Rams Georgetown has the mystery; no one knows what a Hoya is. Unless it's Zeus with a lightning bolt, the Rams should win.
Purdue Boilermakers vs. St. Peter's Peacocks The Peacocks? Seriously? Obviously, Boilermakers.
Texas A&M Aggies vs. Florida State Seminoles Indians are tougher than farmers. Probably shoulda seen that coming.
Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. Akron Zip The Zip? Are you kidding me? It appears to be a kangaroo, but really? I can't even take that seriously, let alone entertain the possibility that the Zip could win.
Pittsburgh Panthers vs. UNC-Asheville Bulldogs Panthers. They're mean.
Butler Bulldogs vs. Old Dominion Monarchs The monarchs should have been scarier, maybe channeled a little Henry VIII.
Kansas State Wildcats vs. Utah State Aggies When it's people vs. nature, the people will lose.
Wisconsin Badgers vs. Belmont Bruins In what world can a rodent take out a bear? This one apparently.
St. John's Red Storm vs. Gonzaga Bulldogs Yeah ...
BYU Cougars vs. Wofford Terriers I get using dogs as mascots. But a terrier? At least they're not the chihuahuas.
UCLA Bruins vs. Michigan State Spartans Mother Nature exacts her revenge.
Florida Gators vs. UC Santa Barbara Gauchos Huge, scary, aggressive reptile vs. a pair of pants? Sure, I think a gaucho also is some form of matador. But no. Gators win this one.