Thursday, January 20, 2011

Red is for sarcastic

63G-1-601. State symbols.
Utah's state animal is the elk. What? I could have sworn it was the cougar.
Utah's state bird is the sea gull. Yeah, OK, coulda called that one.
Utah's state centennial astronomical symbol is the Beehive Cluster located in the constellation of Cancer the Crab. We have one of these?!?! What is it exactly?
Utah's state centennial star is Dubhe, one of the seven bright stars composing the Big Dipper in the constellation Ursa Major. And these? What about a normal star? Why must it be a centennial one?
Utah's state centennial tartan, which honors the first Scots known to have been in Utah and those Utahns of Scottish heritage, shall have a pattern or repeating-half-sett of white-2, blue-6, red-6, blue-4, red-6, green-18, red-6, and white-4 to represent the tartan worn anciently by the Logan and Skene clans, with the addition of a white stripe. I feel mildly discriminated against. And mildly violated.
Utah's state cooking pot is the dutch oven. Oy. And the state thing to put in the state cooking pot? Funeral potatoes.
Utah's state emblem is the beehive. Sure
Utah's state firearm is the Browning model M1911 automatic pistol. Good job, Rep. Shall Remain Nameless. Way to bring up the major issues that really bring Utahns together. Freaking guns.
Utah's state fish is the Bonneville cutthroat trout. I could have sworn it was the carp. It's the only one we ever talk about, and it's the only one that can reproduce as quickly as Utahns can.
Utah's state flower is the sego lily. No comment
Utah's state folk dance is the square dance, the folk dance that is called, cued, or prompted to the dancers and includes squares, rounds, clogging, contra, line, and heritage dances. What purpose is a state folk dance? Is this what really happens in closed sessions at the Legislature? The governor does the calling, cuing or prompting and our representatives clog away?
Utah's state fossil is the Allosaurus. Only because we're not cool enough to have a dinosaur that people actually find interesting.
Utah's state fruit is the cherry. A red fruit -- interesting...
Utah's state vegetable is the Spanish sweet onion. I must confess, I'm surprised anything endorsed as the Utah state "something" has "Spanish" in it.
Utah's historic state vegetable is the sugar beet. That's historic vegetable, mind you, not actual vegetable.
Utah's state gem is topaz, as is prominently found in the Thomas Mountain Range in Juab County, Utah. At least I know where to find it.
Utah's state grass is Indian rice grass. Unlike this one.
Utah's state hymn is "Utah We Love Thee" by Evan Stephens. Has anyone actually heard this song?
Utah's state insect is the honeybee. Except it is actually the mosquito.
Utah's state mineral is copper. Which has red tints.
Utah's state motto is "Industry." Should be "Babies. And more babies."
Utah's state railroad museum is Ogden Union Station. Note that this doesn't even get to represent the entire museum genre. Nope, just railroad museums. How many railroad museums are there?
Utah's state rock is coal. Too many bad Santa jokes to make here.
Utah's state song is "Utah This is the Place" by Sam and Gary Francis. Not to be confused with the Utah state hymn, although they have many similarities, including: no one has ever heard either.
Utah's state tree is the blue spruce. Vey.

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