Monday, September 20, 2010

Wanted: New tear ducts

'Cause mine stopped working about two years ago.
Seriously, I don't know what happened. Before my mission, I was a crier. I cried at real things -- death, pain, things that happened at my job. I cried at fake things -- movies, even songs and commercials sometimes. I cried when I was happy or moved. I cried when my mom dropped me off at the MTC. I knew how to weep and I did it.
Something changed on my mission. I still cried, but not at emotional things. I mostly just teared up when I was extremely moved spiritually -- and here I am thinking of baptisms. That might be about it. I don't think I cried when I said goodbye and drove away from Salt Lake. I started out crying at "Joseph Smith: The Prophet of the Restoration," but by the end even that was gone. It was like the tear ducts had morphed into that time to become ironclad. I think it was a defense against all the emotion I felt as a missionary. I would have just been incapacitated and crying all the time.
Then I got home and waited for the weeping to return to normal.
Except it never did.
It's now been two years. I watch movies that make other, normal people cry: "Charly," "Seven Pounds" and the like. Movies in which people die at the end. I don't shed a tear. (I did, however, cry at "The Lovely Bones" and "Where the Wild Things Are.") I hear sad stories (I've actually sat through a suicide support group in the last week) and don't cry one bit. I've been dumped and felt like crying, but couldn't muster a single tear. It's like this defense mechanism that I had in place has now become a leach and won't leave.
And it's really annoying. There have been times I wanted to just have a good cry, to let out all that emotion and be freed of it. Nothing. Other times when I told myself that this would be an appropriate time to show the emotion I'm feeling. Nada. More times when it just would have been a relief and I didn't want to be strong. Not one single tear.
Perhaps I, like Chandler, am dead inside.

1 comment:

  1. I just realized I got teary when Hedwig died. Maybe you should reread Book 7 :)