Monday, August 30, 2010

Fight or flight

I'm pretty much a pacifist, so the answer is always flight.
I haven't realized this until the last few years, but I am totally a runner. I don't deal with problems in a healthy manner (well, I do sometimes, but often if that doesn't work, then) I just run away from them. When I finished grad school, I just wanted out of Lubbock and all of the difficulties that had come up during my last little while there -- like the ex-boyfriend I couldn't seem to get rid of. And then, when he kept e-mailing me after I moved, instead of telling him to get lost, I finally just stopped e-mailing him back.
Then there was this friend I made about a year after I moved up here. She kind of latched herself onto me and a good friend of mine. And by latched, think of a leech relationship here. I couldn't seem to handle her issues, so instead of setting boundaries, I just shut her out.
Then were the hard areas and hard companions on my mission. I dealt with them as best I could for about 4.5 weeks and then started praying to be get transferred so I wouldn't be stuck with these situations. It was easier to leave for somebody else to deal with.
The list goes on. Either everything is great, or it's terrible and not worth rescuing. This does not help me build mutually satisfying relationships, however, because I tend to want to jump ship as soon as something is wrong. My reaction, and I mean this in all seriousness, is to think that the immediate less-than-perfect situation is a signal of all that is coming and I may as well just pull the plug now.
I sometimes have to remind myself that there's a spectrum and there's a whole lot of middle ground between heaven on earth and get me the hell out of here.

No comments:

Post a Comment