Monday, July 19, 2010

Breaking up is so many things besides hard to do

So I just had a two-week stint where I was somebody's girlfriend. Maybe it doesn't sound momentous, but since it's been two World Cups since the last time, it's kind of a significant milestone.
It also now is in the past. I'm going to try very hard not to villify the other half of this story. In a nutshell, I went out of town for a week, he went to a party on the first day I was gone and kissed some woman. He says she kissed him first, but he kissed her back, and that he immediately felt bad for what happened.
Let me just say here, I don't disbelieve him. But he probably wasn't talking to some of his friends about baseball when some random woman came up and grabbed him and started kissing him. He was most likely in a situation where they were alone or almost alone, it was probably late and dark, and they were sitting close enough and talking personally enough that kissing felt like an appropriate move for her to make. Something built up to that.
All of this took place after we'd been together for a week. One week. He had a hard time staying committed after only one week. He said he's "wired that way." Comforting. I presume in a long-term relationship -- with anybody, not necessarily me -- he would unwire himself and would not be doing this kind of thing. But that's a risk I am not willing to take, because I am wired to remember everything, to assume the worst and to blame myself.
I know the flip side of this one-week coin is that two people are barely in a relationship after a week. And frankly, had we not already had a discussion, and had I not accidentally slipped and used the label "boyfriend" and had he not agreed with that label as soon as I said, and had we not both told people that we were dating (after a few times I even managed to say dating instead of "doing some relationship thing") -- had all of those things not happened, then I probably would have felt a little weird about it but much less betrayed. In my mind, we were dating exclusively. In his I'm guessing we were too, or he wouldn't have felt bad about what happened and he wouldn't have felt the need to tell me.
I also wouldn't have put perfume on and tried not to look like I just woke up from a nap had I known I was going over there for that conversation. I wouldn't have had the goofy smile on my face as I walked out the door to my roommates' teasing. I wouldn't have been looking forward to telling him everything that had happened in the last week and a half had I known what had happened with him in the last week and a half.
I really need to stop dating guys who are "wired" in this general direction. Yes, it might take a long time to get to first base if we're both totally awkward and unsure and ridiculous, but at least I won't always be wondering why I'm so far behind and what I'm doing wrong and how I compare. It would be nice for a change to be awkward and unsure together.


  1. Thank goodness he showed his true colors after a week. You deserve better... and I love that you count your life in World Cups.

  2. Um it still just a week even if you had those talks it still doesn't mean much. Of course I'm looking at this from outside of the LDS realm where people for some odd reason find it okay to marry after one date. In the normal world I would say that you two would have to be together for at least 1 month of being "exclusive" to really feel betrayed by the other for just a kiss at a party. Then again there is no alcohol to blame either assuming you were dating a good LDS boy. So, although you are my friend and I will side with you I still feel that there wasn't enough history established to feel betrayed and kick him to the curb just yet.

  3. I think everything is relative. If the two of you had a talk about being in a relationship, you deserve to feel betrayed. Even if you didn't have this talk and you felt betrayed, you deserve to feel betrayed. Whether you are LDS or not, if you feel something, that's what you feel. It's not right or wrong, it just is.