I am the victim of workplace discrimination.
It's true! There are fliers all over the place telling employees here that they can win a laptop or Tim McGraw tickets if they donate blood.
Well, guess what, Herald? I would love to win a laptop or Tim McGraw tickets. It would be fantastic. But I am excluded from your little contest for one simple reason: I can't donate blood.
It's not a needle issue. It's not because I'm anemic or have fresh tattoos or have done drugs or been in jail in the last 12 months. It's because, when I was approximately zero to 1 year old, I lived in Europe.
Ooh, you might be saying, sounds dangerous. Relax, this was not the time of bubonic plague. For a while, it was not the time of anything worrisome; from the time I was 17 to the time I was 20 I donated blood fairly regularly.
At 20, I did not change, but all of a sudden the rules to give blood did. All of a sudden, my infant residence put me at risk for the human form of mad cow disease. Now, if I actually had Creutzfeld-Jakob disease, I'm pretty sure I would have died from it by then. And, if I could give blood before, I should be able to give blood now. But no, the rules are inexorable; I was ineligible until the year 2247 — at which time I plan to be resurrected.
So there, workplace: discriminate against me because I lived in Europe for more than six consecutive months between the years of 1980 and 1996. Forget you! But don't think I'll forget. (looks around conspiratorially) I have a plan!