Monday, June 7, 2010

Somewhere, the awkward god is laughing

Fact 1: I wore a black skirt and a black shirt today, which has produced a very slimming effect. Yay!
Fact 2: I got next to no sleep last night and have been surviving the day on loads of caffeine.
Fact 3: Caffeine makes me seriously sick to my stomach.
Now that you have the setup, here's the situation. Caffeine is also a diuretic, so I've spent a comparative lot of time in the bathroom today, which also serves to wake me up. Good stuff. I happen to think I look pretty hot today (professional-appropriate hot, of course); besides the black, which frankly is my favorite clothes color because it is almost always flattering, I'm having a reasonably good hair day and am wearing amazing leopard print ballet flats that somehow make my ginormous feet look less like water skis. Good day.
So every time I go to the bathroom, I sneak a peek in the full-length mirror. About the fourth time, after roughly six servings of caffeine, I went through this routine and had a horrible realization.
I was totally bloated! My belly is popping out of my cute black skirt like I'm three months pregnant. What the heck? I am not OK with this.
So I'm standing sideways, checking out my profile in the mirror, trying to suck in my belly, cursing the caffeine and the churning that was currently going on in my body, absentmindedly drying my hands, when the door opens. I freak out, try to hide the fact that I'm standing in the middle of the bathroom, clearly doing something weird, uncomfortably smile at the woman who walks in (why do we try to be polite on the way in and out of the bathroom?), throw my paper towel in the trash and skedaddle, sure the woman who came in was wondering what sort of freaky activity I was doing in the bathroom.
Dang you, bloated belly! Dang YOU!

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