Democracy would look different. None of this majority rule stuff. No voting. Definitely no campaigning.
Round 1: Would-be legislators would have to first answer the following questions:
1. Do you think you deserve this position?
2. Do you think you could handle power well?
3. Are you Democrat or Republican?
4. Are you pretty convinced of your own amazingness?
If the answer to any of these is anything other than no, they are automatically disqualified. And I don't just mean yes. I mean, if you say "maybe," "Uh-huh" or answer question 3 with one of the parties, you are out. In fact, I will make you be a janitor so I can pull in one of the janitors and see if he can answer the questions right.
Round 2: Skills test
1. Not throw a football like a buffoon.
2. Be able to pick out appropriate shirt-tie-jacket combos without help.
3. Look good in a red tie. Or a red top.
4. Have hair that moves in a wind tunnel.
5. Survive the running of the bulls.
Round 3: Challenge round
It's debate time! Here are the rules.
1. No more than 25 words in one answer.
2. Candidates must answer the question asked -- not the one they wanted asked, not something they want to say, not thank-you.
3. Candidates must talk about what they're going to do, not the other guy being an idiot or how amazing they are.
4. Candidates cannot be boring.
All audience members will be given a buzzer, and the debaters will have a mild electrical shocker attached to them. If any of these rules are violated, any member of the audience may push the button and deliver a mildly unpleasant but wildly humorous shock.
Round 4: I'll probably just be in charge.